Sorry, Santa may be a bit late this year, but he has a good excuse. He’s reading “A Cup of Tea on the Commode,” a book he just can’t put down. So to help pass the time, here’s a Christmas chapter from that very book Santa just can’t put down. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good book!
If you prefer to listen to the audio version, click here.
You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Fireplace
On special occasions, Mom set the dining room table with her fine china and sterling silverware engraved with the Porro family crest and removed the plastic covers from the living room furniture. Only then could we kids take comfort knowing we wouldn’t accidentally slide off our seats in the cool months or stick to them in the hot ones. This gave us another reason to love Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter Sunday.
Thanksgiving was a treat even with bellyaches thanks to the turkey, stuffing, and Mom’s apple, cherry, and pumpkin pies. Bonnets, baked ham, and searching for Mom’s lavish baskets overstuffed with candy sweetened our Easters. But only Christmas was an all-hands-on-deck family affair. Dad braved the blistering evening snow and a shaky ladder to hang garland and multicolored lights around our front door while the rest of us stayed warm by the fire listening to Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole croon Christmas carols. Mom and Laurel set up the Nativity scene on the mantel, keeping Baby Jesus off to the side. David and Caryl hung stockings emblazoned with our names—pets too—above the fireplace. Michael draped our fragrant Douglas fir with strings of lights with at least one nearly-impossible-to-find faulty bulb that threatened to disrupt our holiday cheer. Deecy and I decorated the tree with candy canes, tinsel, and ornaments, old and new. We crowned our masterpiece with an angel and prayed she’d watch over us, but I secretly prayed she’d bring me a bounty of gifts, never mind if I was naughty or nice.
After guzzling eggnog and stuffing ourselves silly with Mom’s homemade cookies, the Porro kids placed our gifts under the tree and hustled off to bed to attempt the unthinkable: sleep the night before Christmas. But convinced we heard the clatter of reindeer hoofs on the roof made even a glimmer of hope impossible.
The morning, however, confirmed that what we heard was what we heard. Not only did Baby Jesus appear in the manger, but our meager offerings multiplied into a colorful mountain piled high and wide. The stockings were stuffed so full their seams screamed for merciful relief as they hung on for dear life to tiny brass hooks. Even with weary eyes, it was all a glorious sight to behold.
Our not-so-secret Santas spent the wee hours packing and wrapping to make our Christmas yet another one to remember. But there was one thing that stood in the way of us climbing up the gift mountain: church. We had to endure the torture to look but not touch until after the service. And once unleashed, it didn’t take us long to rescue the stockings and tear into every package under the tree. Despite Mom’s plea to save the wrapping paper, we left only shreds in our wake.
As our family grew, so did the Everest of gifts. This posed no problem for Mom, as it meant more shopping. That was our gift to her. Even though the house could handle the ever-increasing numbers, the fireplace could not. The stockings spanned the entire face, two or more to a hook before spilling onto both sides. The sight inspired many comments from those who entered our festive home, but the one we heard most often was, “You’re gonna need a bigger fireplace.”
To learn more about “A Cup of Tea on the Commode,” click here.
Click here to get your own copy. You’ll laugh out loud. You’ll cry out loud. Sorry for the crying part. Ebook is just $6.99.
#Humor #Memoir #eldercare #acupofteaonthecommode #Merry Christmas
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